letters to the Band
Now Playing: JJ Cale
Topic: concert info
Hello Blog friends, I thought the relavance of these fine communications may be appreciated by fine music lovers like you... The Reverand Thump Daddy
Att: Ralph McMillan:
I live in an Adult Assisted Living complex outside Boston. I am on the Social Committee (Asst Treasurer) and the Fund-Raising Committee (not an officer).
1. Would you consider playing at our annual bake sale fund-raiser in March 2005? We cannot afford to pay anything - not even the gas for your bus - however, we could pay for any tolls incurred on the Mass Turnpike.
2. Do you play bar mitvahs? How much do you charge? Could you provide references and pictures from previous bar mitzvahs that you have played for?
Your prompt reply would be appreciated.
Dear Mr. Fast:
Ralph McMillan read this over my shoulder last night and howled--I mean, scowled. As I know he won't ever get around to responding to this due to the numerous requests to play at bake sales and Bar Mitzvahs, I thought I should let you know that I have seen to it that your request has been put in the tickler folder for July, 2014. I hope this will work for you. It will surely work for Underground Detour, assuming any of the band members are still alive by then. Also, perhaps by then you will be able to afford the transportation, as I feel certain that none of the band members will still have a driver's license at that time. I am sorry to report that March, 2005, has been fully booked. I am also sorry to report that we cannot provide photographs due to our policy to protect the privacy of our clients.
Dear Mustang Sally:
Thank you for copying the note from my brother to your client, Ralph McMillan, requesting his band's appearance at my brother's "Assisted Living Residence". This is not the first time my brother has sent an email like this, and unfortunately I find myself in the position once again of having to apologize.
Last month he similarly stalked Bruce Springsteen (which unfortunately interfered with Mr. Springsteen's selfless efforts to register thousands of thoughtful, well informed young voters who will now determine the fate of our country), and last weekend he so upset the delightful Ms Simpson that she had a breakdown on the set of Saturday Night Live (I'm in negotiations with her people now to settle this). My brother is responsible for the nasty rumors about R Kelly and little girls.
My brother lives in a mental hospital in northern Maine near a small town settled by Yugoslavian refugees in the late 1970s.. He is not responsible for his actions. Please ignore all future emails from him, but let me know if he becomes a problem. I've gotten to know many rock stars over the years as I handle these problems my brother creates, and I hear Ralph McMillan is kinda hunky. So let me know if he is upset by my brother's harassment and I'll do all I can to calm his fears--if he sends a signed photo with his private phone number.
Barry "Jesus" Fast
Mr. and Mrs. Mc...
Since I am one of the younger members of the group, I will volunteer to drive the rest of the surviving members of the orchestra to Mass. That is assuming of course:
That I am able (not the age as much as the mileage)...
That my car is able (same as above)...
That John Kerry is not elected in 2004 and screws up my social security so badly, I'll have
no funds to get to Mass.
That Geo. W is not elected and does the same.
John Kerry is not elected in 2004 and in 2007 turns Mass. into an archetypical commie state where they euthanize old folks...
That Geo. W is not elected in 2004 and in 2007 turns Mass. into a foreign state (more than it already is...)
Come to think of it, I think I'll vote for Willie Nelson for president and just go to Texas.
Have a good trip. Good luck. I'll save a couple of cold ones for anyone who cares to join me.
Your loving bassman,
Posted by Thumpdaddy
at 12:01 AM EST